To my teacher, beloved, and one of my best friends,
Thank you for all the growth you've given me. I am now realizing that you have cut me open to the deepest of my wounds, something I have been carrying with me for far to long.
This I cannot say is good or bad just that it something I needed to go through,
and in that lies the greatest love.
As a child I had always looked for love from my father and was often met with drunken anger,
his issues being projected onto me. It left me feeling inadequate and unloved,
as a result I have gone seeking for the feeling I felt was missing, for me it was "to be loved", a brokenness to my masculine energy. And because of it I tend to give my love quite freely, because I have felt the feeling of being without.
Although we may disagree on what our relationship may or may not be, you bring out feelings in me that are not easily put into words. You have made my heart and soul ache for the dance of life. When we are in moments of making love, that sweet tender passion, I never want to go away.
But I also know my higher self doesn't want to be using certain drugs that often, sending me on an emotional roller coaster. I need to have clarity to raise my vibration. And I want to be with someone who wants to hold my hand through it all, whose willing to show me I am loved and lovable through it all even in these greatest times of pain, someone who can hold me/ hold space while I cry it out. I want to be able to do that for him too, and when your caught in a landslide, know that I'll be there for you <3
Time and time again you have told me you do not want a commitment. And what that tells me is you aren't ready to do the work or that your running away from something? I have a hard time understanding this because you have a hard time expressing your feelings towards me and to me. This may or may not be a personal thing but you keeping me at a distance hurts.
And there the lessons lie. I've listened to what you've had to say to me but up until now I wasn't ready to receive. I will not try and fix you or change you because I love you just as you are!! This is true but as I mentioned I want and deserve the greatest love, as we all do. I can no longer put my dreams on hold or stay stagnant I need to flow with what life's willing to bring me as I chase my dreams and I want someone whose ready and willing to make the commitment to the unknown whatever the outcome may be, who isn't afraid to tell me he loves me, whose blinded by the light because he knows the future is so bright when we are together. I wanted that so badly to be you.
I don't believe that you have nothing to give, but you are right about not being able to help me. The only person that can heal me is me, I got to do the work and the same goes for you. Thank you for being a catalyst in the change I wish to see in myself and the world.
I'm sorry if I made you feel anything less than who I know you to be, the amazing beautiful being that you are. You bring so much wisdom to the world. Truly an artist of spirit, you embody it so well at your will. And I love your playfulness in it all. Your are the visionary, where as I am the one who shines light on the path to those who have forgotten, or are in need of guidance.
I hope that you can forgive me for being human I couldn't imagine my life without you. May you find peace, beauty, and love in everything that you do, and may this journey continue.
Love to love you,